monday

Today is without a doubt One of Those Days.

Baby Boss and I are sick with a sniffly, sneezy, coughing, aching stuffy head, fever cold that has my emotional flag flapping listlessly at half-mast. Plus Baby Boss, probably due to her cold, but who knows why, is not sleeping...at night, that is. She is currently sleeping of course. Since it's noon and all. But from 8pm-around 6am, she's wide awake and fussy and wanting to be attached full-time to my poor nipples.

So today is not so wonderful. I'm actually sort of (my salt-of-the-earth, no-nonsense fundamentalist upbringing is fighting desperately to keep me from saying this) feeling sorry for myself.

(((sigh)))

You know, most moms have probably been to this place. It's called the Land of Needy Me. Today I suddenly feel most intensely all the choices I make that are strictly for the rest of the family: We go to Capture the Hoops games at the school on Sunday instead of the Buddha's Enlightenment celebration at the temple, I decide to catch up on all that laundry instead of going to yoga class, I make a special dessert for dinner and skip that walk I've been needing to take...those kind of choices. And I never even think twice about it...until today.

Here's a dream: To travel again. To hit the road with my backpack and my passport and head for somewhere high and lofty where I can hike for days, or else somewhere slow and tropical where I can sleep for a $1 a night in a handmade hammock in a hut on some quiet beach. I'd drink fruity drinks and fall into long, fascinating conversations over dinner with other travelers from places like South Africa or the Czech Republic. I'd spend a whole hour just sitting in one place doing nothing but staring at the sky. I'd lie in my hammock on a long afternoon and write haiku in my journal. I'd buy some local jewelry and find a good place to get a back massage.

I know as I write this, that my dream is as close as making some different choices...rearranging my life to make it happen. And honestly, I feel that slowly coming to pass. I can see the whole family sitting soemday soon on that quiet beach, playing in the sand and arguing over where to eat for dinner...or hiking the Annapurna...or sailing the Pacific.

But today...today I am sad. And tired. And I miss myself. Where did I go? I am here...yes,totally and completely here in this beautiful life I've reinvented...immersed in my kids and my man and my home. But I must remind myself...I must allow myself...to feed ME a little of the good love from time to time. It's a mama's duty.